It seems like since April that I've been walking through a valley. A dark dark valley. There is a verse from Job that describes the last few months for me.
Job 23: 8-10 Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
I can't name one thing that I've been going through. I know many people have lost jobs, and are in a financial crisis, but thankfully God has taken care of us financially. I started a new job in August. I am now working back in Inside Sales for a company that manufacturers automotive exhaust products. Last month Charlie had a horrible gall bladder attack that resulted in surgery. During the surgery the doctor also repaired an umbilical hernia and now Charlie has been out of work since August 17th, but we are making it. The doctor says he may be out of work another 2 or 3 weeks. There is no way that we could have survived if I hadn't already been working at this new job making better money.
The crux of it is, I am scared. Yes, horribly frightened! I feel like that something else bad or tragic is going to happen. I have to tell myself everyday that the Lord is holding me in his arms, and that he is with me. It is almost like I have to give myself a personal pep rally daily in order to live. I don't want to be this way.
The nights are the worst. A few months ago I posted about having a dream that my Mother died. Well, dreams like that are now a nightly occurrence. Last night, I dreamt that Charlie died. I'm scared when my children drive away that it may be the last time that I see them. About a month ago my brother called to tell me that my Dad is very sick. The doctors don't know what is wrong with him and he may not live much longer. It is some type of blood disorder. The first thing I thought was "Oh, God, I can't take another death!" How selfish is that?
My only consolation is that last verse in Job...when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. I've had people tell me that they perceive me as being a strong person, even intimidating, but if they only knew how weak that I really am.
"There are storms that we all encounter
Do not fear they will do you no harm
In the Lord you will find protection
In the shelter of His arms "